


He lost his right hand too

by hazzard



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: And More Angst, Angst, F/M, Philinda - Freeform, and apologizing too, this will be very angsty i'm warning you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-31
Updated: 2016-01-02
Packaged: 2018-05-10 16:31:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5593201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hazzard/pseuds/hazzard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>- Coulson? Coulson!<br/>She was standing in front of him, shaking his shoulders, the panic so clear in her eyes. He saw her, but at the same time, he didn't. He didn't see anything. His hands were shaking, his whole body trembled and he couldn't breathe.<br/>- She's...<br/>His voice was thin and quiet and it didn't sound like his.<br/>Daisy stared at him.<br/>- I'll get Simmons.<br/>She almost ran out the door.<br/>- <em>May...</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

He felt his heart freeze. It froze to solid ice. It was like buckets of ice water had been dumped on him but his skin still felt hot, he was burning up. He felt his heart pounding in his chest, in his head, pounding everywhere... His scar hurt, it hurt so badly, it was like being stabbed all over again... He wanted to scream, his whole body screamed, but no words came out, not a sound escaped from his body, he couldn't breathe, he couldn't breathe, he couldn't...  
\- What is it Coulson? Is everything ok?  
He heard Daisy's voice but she was blurred, everything was blurred and he couldn't breathe.  
\- Coulson? Coulson!  
She was standing in front of him, shaking his shoulders, the panic so clear in her eyes. He saw her, but at the same time, he didn't. He didn't see anything. His hands were shaking, his whole body trembled and he couldn't breathe.  
\- She's...  
His voice was thin and quiet and it didn't sound like his.  
Daisy stared at him.  
\- I'll get Simmons.  
She almost ran out the door.  
\- _May..._

********************************************************************************

Being director was difficult, on a good day. But he managed. His right hand leaving... that was almost impossible to deal with. May had been gone for weeks now. She'd came back to him, but now she was gone again. This time, however, he knew she'd come back. She'd come back.  
  
\- Hey, Coulson.  
Daisy stood in the doorway of his office.  
\- Can I come in?  
He nodded and made a welcoming gesture.  
\- When did you say May would get back?  
He couldn't help but smile. She missed May too, of course she did. Not in the same way _he_ missed May, but still.  
\- A couple of days, tops.  
He sat down at his desk and asked her to do the same.  
\- Why, you miss getting up at 6 am to do Thai Chi?  
Daisy smiled at his teasing tone.  
\- No. But her not being here... it's weird.  
He nodded. Yeah, it _was_ weird.  
\- Are you... Never mind.  
She looked down, like she couldn't look him in the eye.  
\- What?  
\- I just... No, it's nothing.  
\- Out with it, Daisy.  
She shifted in her chair, seemed eager to get away. He looked at her, tried to look as friendly and encouraging as he possibly could.  
\- It's just that... Are you doing ok?  
Her words baffled him a little. That was not what he'd expected her to say.  
\- Of course, why do you ask?  
\- Well... May's gone.  
\- What does that have to do with my general well being?  
She looked at him like he was being an idiot. He was, he knew he was. Even _trying_ to deny the fact that Melinda May didn't play a _huge _part in whether he was ok or not was, simply, idiotic.__  
\- Besides, she's not gone, Daisy. She's coming back.  
\- That's what she said last time.  
He stared at her. What was she talking about?  
\- She came back then too.  
\- Yeah, but it took her six months.  
He tried to smile that friendly and encouraging smile again.  
\- She's on a mission. Once it's done, she'll be back.  
Daisy crossed her arms.  
\- Are you sure?  
\- Of course I am.  
  
He wasn't sure.

  


It was a standard op. May was supposed to go to Egypt, find the inhuman, make sure she was secure, and bring her to them. It was a one man (or in this case, woman) job. He knew she'd be fine, it was Melinda May for god's sake. But... he couldn't shake the feeling that something was terribly wrong.  
  
He'd lied to Daisy. May was supposed to be back _days_ ago.  
  
She hadn't made any contact. She hadn't called him and she hadn't taken _his_ calls, they just kept going to voicemail. He became more and more worried with every passing hour. She'd said she was back on the team. She wouldn't leave him, or the team, now. Especially not without saying goodbye. She cared about the team, he knew she did. And she still had his back. He knew their relationship was shaky and they needed to talk things out, but it was May. His May. His best friend in the world. She'd never stop being his best friend in the world. She'd never stop being the woman he lo... No, he couldn't go there. Not now. Not after everything that happened between them, not before they were back to where they were supposed to be. They would talk when she got back. She'd be back.  
  
He knew Daisy wouldn't stop asking about her though, not before she got her answers. She cared about her S.O. a whole lot, and she never gave up on the people she cared about. He had a couple of days to find May before Daisy would really start with the questioning, and maybe two more days after that until the rest of the team would start worrying too. He needed to get May back before everyone would realize that she was missing. He'd come up with an excuse and fly to Egypt and look for her. She probably wouldn't need his help, but he had to make sure she was ok. And she had to come back. If she wouldn't come by herself, he'd bring her back. He'd physically _drag_ her, if necessary. He couldn't do this without her. He wasn't whole without her. _He had to get her back._  
  
He was just about to call the team to a meeting when his phone rang. 


	2. I loved her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \- Sir?
> 
> Simmons shook him, forced him to look at her. Daisy stood in the doorway. She probably didn't dare to come any closer. He probably looked like he was going insane. He was, he was going insane. It felt liked a thousand knives were stabbing him, teeny tiny knives just stabbing, stabbing, stabbing... The pain killed him, he couldn't breathe, he couldn't... He couldn't... He had to... He had to get out some sound, he needed to... He needed...
> 
> \- May... She...  
> \- What sir?  
> \- Jemma, please, get everyone here, right now.
> 
> Jemma stared at him, like she was unable to move. He could tell she knew that something was terribly, terribly wrong. 
> 
> \- GET THEM HERE. NOW. GO GET THEM, FOR FUCK'S SAKE. GO.
> 
> Daisy almost ran out the door.

\- Sir?

Simmons shook him, forced him to look at her. Daisy stood in the doorway. She probably didn't dare to come any closer. He probably looked like he was going insane. He was, he was going insane. It felt liked a thousand knives were stabbing him, teeny tiny knives just stabbing, stabbing, stabbing... The pain killed him, he couldn't breathe, he couldn't... He couldn't... He had to... He had to get out some sound, he needed to... He needed...

\- May... She...  
\- What sir?  
\- Jemma, please, get everyone here, right now.

Jemma stared at him, like she was unable to move. He could tell she knew that something was terribly, terribly wrong. 

\- GET THEM HERE. NOW. GO GET THEM, FOR FUCK'S SAKE. GO.

Daisy almost ran out the door.

And suddenly, they were all there. Simmons was still at his side, holding his hand, tears forming in her eyes. The rest of the team stood further away, staring at him, clearly terrified, and he had to tell them. He had to break their hearts. He had to be the one to do that. 

The knives were stabbing, stabbing, stabbing.

He looked at them, trying desperately to keep his voice steady.

\- I got a phone call... There's been an accident... May, she...  
  
He saw her before her eyes. Smiling. Laughing. An academy era Melinda, the young and naive Melinda, a Melinda who was hopeful for the future, who saw no obstacles, only the possibilities. A Melinda who thought life was amazing and couldn't wait to live the rest of hers. A Melinda whose eyes lit up when she talked, who joked around, who pulled pranks. A Melinda he used to get drunk with, study with, watch movies with. A Melinda he could stay up a whole night and just talk with. The Melinda who became his best friend. The Melinda he'd fallen in love with, completely and desperately.

Daisy's trembling voice took him from his thoughts and forcefully dragged him back to reality.

\- Is she... She's ok, right?  
Fitz threw a look at her and mumbled.  
\- Look at him. Of course she's not ok. She's probably in a mourge somewhere.

Daisy's eyes filled with tears and her body filled with rage; Mack had to physically hold her back.  
\- You don't know that, shut up, you don't know anything!!!  
Fitz screamed back.  
\- Look at Coulson, he's practically broken, so _yes_ , Daisy, I _can_ tell, I've got eyes in my head don't I!!!  
Soon, everyone was at each others throats, the volume in the room almost unbearable. Coulson tried to stand up from his chair, but he couldn't find any strength to do so. Simmons still held his hand.

\- EVERYONE, QUIET.

Mack's voice shut everyone up. It was totally quiet. Coulson felt the knives again, turning in his chest, turning, turning, turning...  
He could also feel Daisy's eyes on him, but he looked at the floor. He couldn't look her, or anyone, in the eye right now. He was the Director, a leader, someone who was supposed to be strong, calm and collected at all times. The Director was not supposed to break. And nothing in him was whole anymore.

\- Coulson...  
Daisy was on the verge of tears, he could hear it in her voice.  
\- Is May...

He couldn't get a word out. But he was the director, he had to be strong. He'd just lost one of the most important people in his life, possibly even _the_ most important person in his life, but it shouldn't matter. He was the Director. A Director was never weak.

\- She's dead.

Daisy whimpered and covered her ears, like she not hearing his words would make them disappear. Mack looked down at the floor, arms tightly to his sides; Bobbi cried in Hunters arms; Fitz stood still, tears streaming down his face.  
The knives were gone, now someone was sawing his heart into thousands and thousands of pieces. Jemma still held his hand, so tightly it almost hurt. He'd managed to be strong long enough to tell them. One sentence, he'd been strong enough to get out, one sentence. Now he couldn't breathe anymore.

He stared down at the floor.

Mack was the one to break the silence.  
\- Sir, how did she...

The knife and the saw were breaking his heart simultaneously, Jemma was breaking his hand, his vision was blurry, he felt sick, like he was going to throw up.  
\- Plane crash. No survivors.

Daisy broke down, became a sobbing mess, lying on the floor, shaking. Mack rushed to her side. Fitz walked out, slamming the door behind him. Hunter walked up to him, leaving Bobbi behind, and put a hand on his shoulder.  
\- We're all gonna miss her, Sir, she was a good agent... But she was _your_ partner... It's tough to lose a good partner. I'm sorry for your loss, mate.

That made something snap inside of him. 

\- YOU'RE SORRY FOR MY...

He let go off Simmons hand, almost pushed her away... and then he was on Hunter. He pushed him to the floor and then he hit, he hit, hit, hit, he couldn't see through the tears and he hit, hit, hit. That bastard, that fucking bastard, coming here and pretending to know anything about May or his relationship with her, he didn't know squat, that fucking bastard, shut up shut up shut up shut up...

Suddenly, he felt himself being pushed away with such a strong force that he flew across the room.

Bobbi.

\- What the fuck are you doing?! 

Coulson got up from the floor, shaking with anger. He felt something hot on his face. He was bleeding. Apparently Hunter had defended himself. He hadn't felt it.

Hunter got up too, keeping his hand to his bleeding nose.

\- What the fuck, Coulson?! I know you're hurt but...

That fucking bastard.

\- You know, huh?  
He walked towards Hunter, voice low, hands steady, staring. Hunter looked a little scared. _Good._  
\- You understand, do you?  
Bobbi tried to go between them, he shoot her a glance and she backed away. _**Good.**_

\- What if it'd been Bobbi, huh?  
All the eyes in the room turned to Bobbi, including Hunter's. Bobbi shot Hunter a questioning look.  
\- What if it'd been Bobbi and I'd say "it's always tough to lose a good partner"? How would that make you feel?! Huh? HUH?!  
\- But Si.. Sir... I didn't mean...  
\- You think that was all May was to me? A partner?!  
Coulson turned to the others, arms in the air, pulse going hundreds of beats per minute.  
\- IT'S THAT WHAT YOU THINK?! IS IT?! THAT SHE WAS JUST SOMEONE WHO FOUGHT BY MY SIDE, SOMEONE WHO COULD BE EASILY REPLACED?!  
Jemma walked up to him and put her hands on his arms, stroking up and down.  
\- Of course not, Sir. Hunter didn't mean it like that. 

Daisy got up from the floor, stood there with Mack's hand in hers, and looked at him. There was so much hurt in her eyes, it killed him.

She rushed to his side and put her arms around him.  
That's when he finally broke down, sobbing in her arms.  
\- I love her. I love her. I loved...  
  
Daisy cried too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry. I hope you cried, but I'm also so very, very sorry.

**Author's Note:**

> This came to me and wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it down. I'm planning on making this a multi-chapter story, so stay tuned.
> 
> Hope you'll enjoy.
> 
> xx


End file.
